I'm Still in The Past

Life seemed to go on.

I'm Still in The Past
Photo by Ýlona María Rybka / Unsplash

Life seemed to go on.

Woke up in a Saturday morning, prepared and had the breakfast.

Got new tasks to do. Got places to go. It seemed upright, it seemed new life has began.

Apple's TestFlight queue was down last night, so I had to bring the task of submitting new builds home. Got a new collaboration, I must start to learn things and challenge myself to that. Teammate was absent for a week, but waking up to his new commits feels refreshing. Confidence is building. It's looking up.

I had to have a phone communication with him to discuss a hard problem. I looked around and find a place where I won't disturb Y, who's trying to focus on her studies. Unfortunately there's no such place in this tiny apartment; I had to beg her pardon and take up the call. It went smoothly - as smooth as it can get - of course not without several glitches on FaceTime and Telegram.

Then a horrible idea caught me. What if. What if I bumped into the past. It sent a shock down my spine, and all the terrible feelings and situations burst into life again. I bumped into the past by merely thinking about what if I bumped into the past.

For a moment I could control my terrible thoughts, and manage my face and body expressions. I just couldn't focus on tasks anymore. I'm justing browsing internet mindlessly. Only thing I wished is I won't bump into the past, without realizing I'm in the past already.

Focus, focus on what I'm supposed to do. Communicate that we need to set off, done. Go to the wardrobe, done. What should I get from the wardrobe? Oh, socks, done. Check the keys. Close the door.

Down to the metro station. "You don't seem to be yourself."

"I'm good. I'm fine."

She doesn't like the answer. I don't like it either. I'm instantly regretting saying that. I just can't be dishonest. Dishonesty is what caused the past to be the past; Dishonesty won't help. Dishonesty actively makes things worse.

But honesty in this case won't save me either. Like it didn't in the past. Hurt hurts, no matter what.

The summer is ending. Nights aren't that hot anymore. Genuinely it feels the worst days are gone. Temperature would be more under control. So does everything else. But I suddenly feel that's not how it works. I'm not sure it's how it works. Everyone on the constant-running or random-teleporting wagon of time.

"I'm afraid I've accepted the fact I have to live alongside the past."

"Enough, you don't have to."

Yes, I don't have to. Nor did I imagined I need to.

But here I am. Apparently I'm still in the past.

Albeit I'm the only one here now.